Sometimes I wish I am perfect. Sometimes I pray that my life could be a lovely smooth ride. Sometimes I look at other people’s life and wish I could trade mine for theirs. Sometimes I wish people would shut the fuck up and stop commenting on how lucky I am.
Perhaps I am indeed fortunate. Perhaps I ought to be satisfied with everything I have. Perhaps I just don’t know how to appreciate what I have in front of me. Maybe all I want is more.
Last night, I was telling my Mum, “I don’t think I have a talent. I think I am the only one in the world without one. Everybody seems to be good in something. But me, I don’t seem to be gifted in anything. The only thing I am good at…(long pause). I am good for nothing.” My mums laughed and said, “You are good at slacking and begging your friends for homework to copy. You are excellent in punctuality when it comes to catching programs on the TV.” I did a dramatic sob. “But unfortunately, none of these ‘talents’ are recognized.” My Mum pondered for a moment as she washed the dishes. “How about this? You generally perform above average for most things, just not particularly gifted in any aspect?”
“That’s the worse thing that can happen to anyone. That’s like a Jack-of-all-trades but a master of none. I hate being Jack. Can’t someone portray that role instead?” I lamented.
I know everybody has told me a million and one times “I am the fine the way I am.” But I don’t want to be just fine; I want to be THE BEST! Actually I don’t even need to be the best in everything. I just want to be the best in something, something useful like sports or academics or even the arts. I just don’t want to be stuck in a situation where I am good in everything but best in nothing.
It’s not about having overly high expectations for myself. It’s not even about being able to bask in the glory of being tagged “best” in an area. It’s about differentiating yourself from the rest. It’s about being unique. If I am good and you are good too, what makes me, me?
Is this a growing phase? Or am I the only one suffering from an identity crisis? Or maybe I am too cocky and overly conceited in my abilities such that when reality sets in as I step out of my world, I am overwhelmed by my ineptness?
It’s hard to climb up after a fall, especially when this time you tell everyone around you “This time I’m getting up myself”. From sky-high to hell-low, how could I lie that I’m not bruised by the fall and completely unaffected by the fall? I am not depressed because I didn’t get what I want. It doesn’t really matter because most of the times, I don’t want it; I just like the adrenaline of winning. I am just disappointed by myself because I don’t appreciate what I have in front of me. It’s only when I lose it, do I realize it? But isn’t this price a little too expensive for a reality check?
Perhaps I am indeed fortunate. Perhaps I ought to be satisfied with everything I have. Perhaps I just don’t know how to appreciate what I have in front of me. Maybe all I want is more.
Last night, I was telling my Mum, “I don’t think I have a talent. I think I am the only one in the world without one. Everybody seems to be good in something. But me, I don’t seem to be gifted in anything. The only thing I am good at…(long pause). I am good for nothing.” My mums laughed and said, “You are good at slacking and begging your friends for homework to copy. You are excellent in punctuality when it comes to catching programs on the TV.” I did a dramatic sob. “But unfortunately, none of these ‘talents’ are recognized.” My Mum pondered for a moment as she washed the dishes. “How about this? You generally perform above average for most things, just not particularly gifted in any aspect?”
“That’s the worse thing that can happen to anyone. That’s like a Jack-of-all-trades but a master of none. I hate being Jack. Can’t someone portray that role instead?” I lamented.
I know everybody has told me a million and one times “I am the fine the way I am.” But I don’t want to be just fine; I want to be THE BEST! Actually I don’t even need to be the best in everything. I just want to be the best in something, something useful like sports or academics or even the arts. I just don’t want to be stuck in a situation where I am good in everything but best in nothing.
It’s not about having overly high expectations for myself. It’s not even about being able to bask in the glory of being tagged “best” in an area. It’s about differentiating yourself from the rest. It’s about being unique. If I am good and you are good too, what makes me, me?
Is this a growing phase? Or am I the only one suffering from an identity crisis? Or maybe I am too cocky and overly conceited in my abilities such that when reality sets in as I step out of my world, I am overwhelmed by my ineptness?
It’s hard to climb up after a fall, especially when this time you tell everyone around you “This time I’m getting up myself”. From sky-high to hell-low, how could I lie that I’m not bruised by the fall and completely unaffected by the fall? I am not depressed because I didn’t get what I want. It doesn’t really matter because most of the times, I don’t want it; I just like the adrenaline of winning. I am just disappointed by myself because I don’t appreciate what I have in front of me. It’s only when I lose it, do I realize it? But isn’t this price a little too expensive for a reality check?
I am afraid. I am fearful. The world just spins with or without me. It feels really great to be replaceable…so that’s how much I’m worth…I guess…
