Finally back home. =)
Frankly, there are a lot of mixed feelings.
Heart is where my home lies. But if you move the people all to another environment, there is really nothing here left worth coming back for.
Upon arrival at Changi Airport, there is something familiar yet foreign about this place. And yet it is only 5 months for so many changes to take place.
I don’t know if I really miss home as much as it seems. But one thing for sure, I hate watching my friends and families life pass by on Facebook and participating in it from a mere spectator’s view. I don’t think many would get my point. Life isn’t really meant to be a spectator’s sport and I don’t really want to watch my life (which is built on other people’s life) roll pass like this.
Now that I am more emotionally stable, I can conclude my whole exchange life on a more neutral and less emotive tone. All in all, yes, I think it’s an interesting experience. But if there were any thing I could change, I would rather go with people I wanted to travel with or maybe people way on the other side of the spectrum – those whom I don’t really know.
Much as there is freedom, I am quite restricted by the people around me. There are many a times I wished I could be way truer to myself. But I can’t. Not because I am a fake, but because I feel that if I really blow, there is really no turning back and a lot of implications that I am unwilling to bear. I don’t really want to say mean words in a moment of heat. But still, nobody heeds my silent warnings when I hint that “Hey, you are threading in a danger zone. You should not have pushed beyond these boundaries.” I never really thought I was much of a considerate person, but really, after this whole 5 months, I have this feel-good positive vibe about myself. Either I undermine the niceness of me or this world is actually filled with damn lot of selfish bastards and bitches. Or alternatively, I am the suay kia who met a whole bunch of them. It’s not that I say many people I met are bad asses, but just that it just takes a few rotten apples to make the whole barrel looks distasteful.
As it dragged to the end, things got really well...unbearable. The running away mindset became dominant, clouding my thoughts too much for comfort. I wanted to run home. I wanted to run to York. I wanted to run with the wind. I wanted to run anywhere my heart would take me. In the end, I chose to hide in my dreams, away from reality and seek solace in tears. I missed home really badly because things got really a little too stressful to handle. I don’t know if I really missed home or my support crew. But I think it’s the latter. Thanks for answering to my silent pleas of distress. They were really like those pills that a psychiatrist would give to an emotionally unsound patient. You guys FB messages would crack a smile, however weak and feeble, despite making my eyes tear. LOL! Yea, I know I am a walking irony. LOL!
I was vulnerable and weak. I nearly made mistakes that I may spend a lifetime repenting with guilt gnawing on my conscience. I am still very confused. But at least, now I am on home ground, I feel more secure. My dad seems secretly happy with the outcome. My mum seems suspicious though has good faith in my sensibility. And I don’t know what the hell just happened. Not drawing on any particular example, I just did a lot of things I would never do in Europe. But I am living with this mind set, whatever happens in Europe stays there and should not be spoken of again. Let bygones be bygones, and when I say I forgot, just take it at face level. Amen, with that, let’s close the chapter on my emotional journey to Europe. =)
finally found the lyrics the stanza to the song JE was singing at Paddington Platform. Lol. Haunting me throughout the whole plane ride trying to figure out the lyrics.
